


All I Want For Christmas Is Q

by thesadchicken



Category: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Genre: Character Study, Christmas, Christmas Eve, Christmas Party, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-22
Updated: 2015-12-22
Packaged: 2018-05-08 12:23:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5496965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesadchicken/pseuds/thesadchicken
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fairy lights, snowy memories and a white ferret...<br/>Jean-Luc Picard has a very special Christmas Eve.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All I Want For Christmas Is Q

**Author's Note:**

> /!\ Warning: This is unbeta-ed and overly sentimental Christmas crap.

Christmas lights sparkled all over Ten Forward. Traditional Earth fairy lights were hanging along the walls, Risian light bulbs were floating above the bar, and Edos’s most radiant glitter bubbles were scattered around the deck, making it shine like snow in the sun. A large Christmas tree stood bright and proud in the corner, decorated with multi-cultured ornaments. The stars themselves seemed to twinkle through the large windows with a special gleam.

Will Riker and a group of virtuosic Starfleet officers were playing a particularly festive rendition of “Joy to the World”, and they were all dressed in fashionable green and red suits. Many crewmembers were gathered around Data, who was distributing ginger-bread cookies, wearing a rather flamboyant Christmas sweater with a red-nosed reindeer on it. Beverly Crusher, Geordi La Forge and Reginald Barclay were exceptionally captivated by their desserts, while Deanna Troi had already eaten half of hers. Sonia Gomez was helping a Bolian officer wear a Santa Claus hat, and laughing ecstatically at the way his ears stuck out. Even Wesley Crusher had “made it home for the holidays”, despite his being on a long intergalactic voyage, and was presently exchanging shy looks with one of the younger officers over two cups of eggnog.

Jean-Luc Picard watched his crew from his well-concealed spot at the very end of the bar, and he couldn’t keep the smile off his face. This was the Christmas he had always dreamed of. Not a fantasy white Christmas, or an evening by the fire with a wife and children, but a real holiday, in a place he called home, with lights and laughter and music and his friends and family’s smiling faces all around him. And although he preferred to stay in the shadows and watch, the merry holiday spirit was getting to him, and he found himself humming along with Riker’s band as they moved on to an electrifying performance of “Rocking around the Christmas Tree”.

“Look who showed up,” Guinan’s soothing voice reached him over the music.

Jean-Luc turned around to find the El-Aurian leaning against the bar at his side. His smile widened as their eyes met.

“You could at least pretend to be surprised,” he teasingly reprimanded her.

“You know, everyone somehow knew you’d turn up this year,” she went on, taking a seat and folding her fingers over Jean-Luc’s.

“I’m glad I did,” he said warmly, squeezing her hands.

“We all are,” she smiled, “you’ve been avoiding these parties for years. You didn’t make it to Fatima’s ‘Eid celebration’ because you had a headache. You couldn’t be there for Ahuli’s ‘Great New Moon ceremony’ because you had Admiral Shanthi on subspace. And I think you were late for the Bajoran festival we held last year. You were supposed to give a speech –”

“Alright, alright,” he conceded, “I may have missed a few social gatherings aboard the _Enterprise_. But I’ve… changed.”

It was hard to admit, even to Guinan, his most trusted confidante. He wasn’t abhorrent to change in itself – he had even come to value it over the years – but he had always prided himself on being firm in his values, unshakable in his principles. He had considered strong composure and self-control two of his most valuable assets. And yet… something _had_ changed, and he knew it was for the best.

“So you’ve discovered that you want things you had no idea you wanted before?” Guinan asked.

Jean-Luc frowned. “Not really… I’m just allowing myself to have the things I’ve wanted for so long.”

Guinan nodded knowingly. “Things you’ve been denying yourself because they don’t fit in the perfect picture you’ve created of Captain Jean-Luc Picard.”

Jean-Luc took a sip of the now cold tea he had ordered earlier that evening and looked away. “Yes,” he finally admitted, “and I was wrong to do so.”

Guinan pulled his cup out of his hands, effectively drawing his attention back towards her. “Isn’t there anything else you’re denying yourself, Jean-Luc? Something you want desperately? Something you’re afraid might change you?”

“I don’t know the answer to that,” he answered, confused.

Guinan regained her playful expression. “I do. And don’t you think I’m pleased with it, but what you do or do not want is none of my business.”

“How can _you_ know what _I_ want?” Jean-Luc protested.

“I just know,” Guinan shrugged.

“Is this another one of your Listener skills? I don’t understand.”

“How could you, you’re not El-Aurian, you’re just a human,” Guinan pursed her lips and raised her thin eyebrows.

“Really!” Jean-Luc scoffed, “You’re starting to sound a lot like…”

He paused, dumbfounded by the realization of what this whole conversation had been leading up to. Guinan sat there looking extremely pleased with herself while Jean-Luc fumbled for something to say that would take them off the subject at hand. He was spared the trouble when an uncharacteristically cheery Ro Laren made her way towards them.

“Captain,” she greeted him, her tone as cold as ever, but her whole stance radiating sheer joy.

“Lieutenant Ro,” he grinned at her, grateful for the interruption, “Welcome back on the _Enterprise_.”

“Thank you, sir,” she nodded respectfully, although rather awkwardly.

They hadn’t had time to properly discuss what had happened in the past, but she knew that Jean-Luc had forgiven her, and that was probably enough for the moment. He noticed how different she seemed. Aside from being out of uniform and in a traditional Bajoran tunic, she was positively glowing with delight. Her smile widened as she turned towards Guinan.

“The dance floor’s almost empty.”

“You think it might need some more dancers?” Guinan replied, and Jean-Luc immediately felt like he had been pushed out of the little bubble the two women had formed around themselves.

“Mm-hm,” Ro crossed her arms and leaned against the counter.

“I thought you didn’t like dancing.”

“I absolutely hate it.”

“Good,” Guinan pushed herself off her chair and circled Jean-Luc to stand face to face with Ro. “I’ll change your mind then.”

Their fingers tangled together as they exchanged fond glances for a few moments. Jean-Luc coughed uncomfortably, urging Guinan to turn around and dismiss him.

“I’ll leave you to your thinking,” the El-Aurian said, giving him a meaningful look.

They scurried off onto the dance floor, and Jean-Luc stared at his half-empty cup of tea with growing uneasiness. What had Guinan meant? Surely she couldn’t have known about… No, it was impossible. Nobody knew. He had only come to terms with it himself a few weeks ago…

He looked around Ten Forward once more. This was supposed to be all he had ever wanted: a fine ship, a loyal crew, loving friends, people that he considered family at his side, stars scattered over the horizon and the promise of adventure wherever he went. Yes, everything he had ever dreamed of, and it was all his, and he was supposed to feel complete, wasn’t he?

Guinan’s words echoed in his mind. _Oh God,_ she was right. There was something else he wanted. It was there, wrapped around his consciousness: a painful feeling of emptiness. And the guilt of having everything and yet wanting more.

So Guinan was right. He wanted something else, and fear was making him hold back. Jean-Luc even had the uncanny impression that his old friend knew exactly what – or rather _who_ – he wanted. She hadn’t exactly given him her blessing, but it made him feel better to know that she didn’t mind this little fancy of his. She probably considered it an extravagant whim.

Or maybe not. Maybe he was wrong to feel so insecure about his own needs and desires. If this gaping emptiness was so damn painful, why couldn’t he _do_ something about it? Why did he stand there and watch his life from afar?

At times, it was so difficult for him to slip back into his own existence. One moment, he was Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Starship _Enterprise_ , and nothing mattered but the safety and comfort of his ship and crew. The next moment, he was Jean-Luc, Jeannot, or Johnny, and he wasn’t sure how good he was at treating himself the way he treated his ship and crew. He only had a vague idea of how to distance the man from the captain. Somehow, whenever he did something solely to please himself, it left him feeling undignified and weak. Oh, but the joy it had brought him to actually be part of the crew, to witness the _Enterprise_ ’s life and soul in action, to get closer to his friends… it had certainly been worth the fleeting feelings of unease.

Jean-Luc gave Ten Forward another long look. Lights and smiles glimmered all over the place, both dazzling reminders of the happiness one could allow oneself to have. A couple kissed. A young woman waved at her friends from across the room. Deanna laughed loudly, attracting the attention of a group of starry-eyed ensigns. And Jean-Luc was sitting in the corner, alone and yearning for something he wouldn’t allow himself to have.

He pushed himself off his chair and away from the bar. One had to be truthful on Christmas, even to oneself. Enough hiding, enough pretending; it was time he faced the fact that he could have what he wanted, if he only asked for it.

Jean-Luc made his way through the crowded room in a dreamlike haze. Before he knew it, he was out into the corridors, walking towards the turbolift at a steady pace. It only took him a few minutes to be in front of his quarters, and a few seconds to plant himself in front of his desk and grab his Ressikan flute. Even in the privacy of his personal quarters, Jean-Luc knew he wasn’t alone. So he closed his eyes and played a song he hadn’t heard in years – that one song that reminded him of La Barre, France, Earth, on Christmas Eve.

~

The clear winter sky engulfed ten-year old Jeannot Picard as he sat outside his family’s old-fashioned country house. He rubbed his hands together and activated the auto-heater on his coat – the only piece of modern technology his father would allow, since it kept him and his brother Robert warm out in the cold.

Jeannot enjoyed the way his breath flew up in puffs of mist as it met the icy air. Patches of snow covered the garden and crunched under the boy’s boots as he ran towards his favorite tree. It was an old wind-battered thing, with branches thick enough to carry him and his brother. Tonight though, he was alone. He was going star-gazing; his favorite activity.

Some said he was an odd child, Maurice’s younger son, the one who always had his head in the stars. But that was precisely where Jeannot wanted his head to be. He was a dreamer, and he dreamed big.

He climbed onto his preferred branch and sat there with his legs dangling below. His back pressed against the old trunk and his hands behind his head, he looked up at the starry darkness. He smiled to himself and began singing a little Christmas song. Papa liked this one, and maman sang it in the most beautiful voice. Jeannot was actually rather proud of his own performance, and sang with whole-hearted joy.

Suddenly, something rustled and chirped in the bushes below, interrupting the boy’s chanting. He looked down, expecting his brother to jump out and pull him off his branch by the legs. A few seconds passed in total silence, and then with a single graceful leap, a white ferret appeared.

Jeannot gasped. He had never seen a live ferret before; in fact, he was fairly certain there were no ferrets in his region of the world, and certainly none in his small village.

The animal blinked up at the boy, its coal-black eyes glistening in the night. Its fur was whiter than the snow, and its whiskers quivered when the boy started to climb down the tree. He moved slowly, careful not to scare the ferret away. Once he reached the ground, he swiftly turned around and found himself face to face with the most majestic creature he had ever seen.

Its nose twitched as it stared at Jeannot with its beady eyes. It stood still, fur dancing in the wind, gaze keen and almost eloquent. The boy held his breath and cocked his head to the side. The ferret mimicked his movement with terrifying precision. He crouched down and waited for the animal’s reaction. When he felt it was safe to move again, Jeannot reached out a trembling hand and tried to pet the creature. The moment he thought he could feel its soft fur under his palm, the ferret disappeared, leaving a trail of glittery snow behind it…

~

Jean-Luc finished the song with a long, melancholic note. He set his flute back down on his desk blindly. When he opened his eyes, a white ferret was staring up at him from the floor. He couldn’t say he was surprised; somehow, he knew that those dark eyes had always been watching over him.

“There you are, old friend,” he whispered.

His heart was racing and his hands trembling, but he could still control his voice, so he persisted in his speech: it was the only way.

“I’ve been lying to myself for so long, it seems impossible to say the truth out loud,” he continued with raw honesty, and it was one of the hardest things he had ever done, “I don’t know what it is about you. You’re selfish and conceited and amoral and everything I loathe… but you’re – you are part of me. I feel it in every ounce of my being.”

Jean-Luc paused, taking a deep breath and peering down at the animal. It was easier to say this to a character from his childhood, blinking at him in false innocence. It felt deeply personal, but he could detach himself from the awkwardness of the situation whenever it became too difficult to go on.

“You’ve been here all along, haven’t you? You really do care. And although I still don’t trust you… _can’t_ trust you…”

His voice was beginning to shake. He closed his eyes and clenched his jaw, struggling for control.

“I think – what I mean to say is – oh dammit, Q, I want you!”

A pair of strong arms wrapped themselves around his waist and a warm breath tickled the back of his neck. Jean-Luc flung his eyes open.

“Oh Johnny,” a familiar voice purred into his ear, “I thought I’d never hear those words.”

“Q,” Jean-Luc gasped, leaning into the tight embrace the entity had pulled him into, “My God…”

Q chuckled softly. “No need for formalities, you can call me Q; just Q.”

Jean-Luc didn’t even try to conceal the smile that crept onto his face. “You arrogant bastard.”

Another chuckle shook the body pressed against his, then the arms loosened around Jean-Luc’s middle. “Turn around, Johnny, I want to see you,” Q said with disarming tenderness.

Jean-Luc did as he was told, feeling more nervous than he had in ages. But when he finally looked up at the entity, he felt strangely peaceful. Hesitant hazel eyes met fond brown ones, and suddenly the universe was a bigger place. Q’s mouth twitched.

“What took you so long?” the entity asked teasingly, “I was starting to give up hope. But then again, you can’t expect much from –”

“Shut up and kiss me,” Jean-Luc interrupted Q’s babbling, tilting his head up and clutching the entity by the arms.

Their lips met, their bodies slammed against each other, Jean-Luc’s hands slid into Q’s hair. They kissed in a fiery frenzy. It was violent and messy and all tongue and teeth and muffled moans. Jean-Luc finally pulled away, panting and breathless, but Q was unrelenting, depositing heated kisses on Johnny’s jaw, then down his neck, sucking on the tender skin there while his hands slithered down and cupped Jean-Luc’s bottom.

“Q,” the man whimpered.

“Shhh,” the entity breathed, gently pushing Jean-Luc towards the bedroom and _oh God_ , this was it, there was no turning back, he had finally said it, he was free and it was everything he had ever wanted.

They never reached the bedroom, not on their own feet anyway: Q had to transport them there with a snap of his fingers. The clothes didn’t last long either: another quick snap and they were gone. The lovemaking, however, lasted a lot longer than Jean-Luc would’ve thought it would. He couldn’t tell how long exactly, but he had a sneaky feeling that he had tasted eternity in Q’s arms.

He didn’t remember dozing off, but when he opened his eyes after the tumults of passion, Q was draped all over him, limbs heavy with the weight of love, and he was smiling at him in the most salacious way.

“Ready for round two, mon capitaine?” he hummed.

“You can’t be serious,” Jean-Luc laughed.

“We’ve got forever. We can do whatever we want.”

“Q, listen –” Jean-Luc started, but was stopped by a long finger pressed against his lips.

“I know, I know,” Q sighed, “’We have to talk’, terms to discuss and all that. But for my sake, Jean-Luc, not now.”

Jean-Luc slipped the finger into his mouth and sucked on it provocatively.

“You little tease,” Q snickered.

The finger popped out of Jean-Luc’s mouth with an outrageous sucking sound. “Alright, we’ll have that discussion some other time. I have a party to get back to, anyway.”

Q placed a surprisingly affectionate kiss on Jean-Luc’s forehead. “I returned you to the exact time you left your stupid party. Now get out before I change my mind and ravish you again.”

Jean-Luc sat up on the bed and was grateful to find that Q had properly cleaned and dressed him, without even snapping his fingers.

“I hate that oxymoron,” he said, sliding off the bed, “its meaning is so confusing.”

Q stretched languidly, displaying his naked form with unashamed brazenness. “Would you prefer ‘fuck’, ‘make love’, or ‘turn into a whimpering mess’?”

“You did _not_ turn me into a whimpering mess!” Jean-Luc protested.

“You were rather demanding, you know,” Q ignored him and carried on, “But then you practically begged me to –”

“I’m out,” Jean-Luc rushed towards the door.

“There’s nothing I can do to persuade you to stay, is there?”

“Not a thing.”

“ _Et si je te disais que je t’aimais?_ ”

Jean-Luc stopped just as the doors swooshed open. He rolled his eyes and, with fond annoyance, he turned around and looked his lover in the eye. “I’ll only be a minute,” he promised.

“I’ll be counting the nanoseconds.”

~

Jean-Luc strode back into Ten Forward. The dance floor was now completely empty, and some of the tables were already being cleared. Jean-Luc began to doubt whether Q had really dropped him off at the exact moment he left the party or a few hours later, but he found that it was considerably less disorientating this way.

He scanned the room for Guinan, but she was nowhere to be seen. He resorted to asking someone about her location – anyone would do, at this point he was too eager to get back to his quarters to care.

He found Beverly, Geordi, Will and Deanna seated at a table in the far corner of the room. He all but ran towards them.

“Where’s Guinan?” he asked, a bit breathlessly.

“She and Laren finally took our advice and got a room,” Beverly answered, sending her inebriated friends into a fit of laughter, “why do you ask?”

Jean-Luc smiled secretively. “Remind me to tell her that I’ve found the answer to her question.”

He hurried out of Ten Forward, still smiling to himself, and rushed through the _Enterprise_ ’s corridors, unaware of the white ferret following him with a love-struck glimmer in its eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> Merry Christmas, everyone!


End file.
